Thursday, April 23, 2009

I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I need to

Soooo.... I didn't tell anybody about this blog for a while cause I wasn't sure I wanted to. But now I do so it's time to do an intro post. You know, one that's a little more insightful than this.

On "Foggy Outlet":
The day I created this blog address it was a very foggy morning. I LOVE foggy mornings in WV, it reminds me of being a kid and walking to school when it was so foggy you couldn't see the end of the block. And then it all burns off into a gorgeous sunshiney day (hopefully). I like how there's a fog line too. Up at my parents' house it won't be foggy, but as you drive down into town there's a specific point as you go down the hill closer to the river where the fog starts. It's cool. But I also like "foggy" cause I don't really have a plan here. I've posted about knitting and crocheting, dreams, and weird stuff that makes me laugh. Whatever's in my head. And that's how it'll likely continue.

And obviously, it's an outlet. I'm blogging for the same reasons any random person might blog: it's cheaper than therapy (but not necessarily as effective), I'm bored, I think I might have something to say, I want to do something creative. I found myself reading a couple of artsy/folksy/diy type blogs and feeling a particularly nasty kind of jealousy. As I processed it out with B (she's also cheaper than therapy and at least, if not more, effective) I realized that I was having such a strong reaction cause I wanted to be doing what they're doing. And you know what? I'm never going to be a renown writer, or a professional artist, or even a particularly stylish dresser. But dammit I want to do something creative. B suggested I start a blog. I balked at first, but here it is.

On my blogging history:
This is actually my fourth blogspot address. They're all gone now so I won't bother telling you what they were. The first one was much like this one, I'd blog about whatever was in my head and all my friends read it and occasionally left comments. It was a happy little place. Then months after my ex moved out I discovered he was still reading my blog. This made me feel very weird and I didn't like it. Plus I didn't have a whole lot of non-depressing things to say at that point and I wasn't updating very often. So I deleted it.

The second one was a super short lived "I'm going to have fun now goddamit and I don't care what you think" angry kind of thing and I managed to offend B in the very first post. She called me on trying to cop a bad girl identity that wasn't really me (which she was right about). But I didn't like her critique so I deleted that one too.

Then I started a third blog that I didn't tell her about so I could further explore trying to be a bad girl without her input. But it's not very fun writing about being a bad girl when no one is reading. And truth be told, at the bottom of it I'm just not that much of a bad girl. So I deleted that one too.

That was all a while ago and I sort of swore off blogging. I thought the world had enough random bloggers, surely I didn't have anything to contribute that would be worthwhile. But screw that, it's not like I'm wasting paper with this. And it's a way that I'm putting myself out there. I'll definitely show off more knitting and crocheting, maybe some sketches, maybe some poetry. Or maybe it will only be more YouTube videos. But it will be videos that reflect parts of my personality, so that's something.

On having an audience:
I'm going to do my darnedest to genuinely not care what any of you think. I mean that in the best way, I want to do this first for me. I have this tendency towards perfectionism, and if I start to feel like I'm doing something "wrong" I will very quickly spiral down and want to delete this blog too. I want to avoid that so I'm going to try and practice not caring if you don't like it. Conversely, I will be grateful for any kind words you may have for me here, but I'm going to try and practice doing it first because I want to.

For that reason I'm not putting a site meter here. I don't want to know how much traffic I get, or what city my readers live in. If my ex happens to find it, I don't want to know. If no one stops by for three whole weeks, I don't want to know. If it blows up and I have tons of readers, I don't want to know.

So there's my very wordy intro. Sometimes I just have to say things aloud (or, ya know, type them) to give myself permission. Hopefully no more disclaimers or justifications after this.

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